Hmmm. I've been meaning to create a blog for Star Trek fics I may (or likely may not) actually finish. But this isn't one of those.

Rather, it's something that assaulted me while reading the fics of Anne Higgins, author of the all-too-wonderful ST XI Kirk/McCoy "No-Win Scenario." In another slashy follow-up tale, she introduces the brilliant idea that Bones uses tribbles in a sedative capacity in sickbay. He actually goes so far as to assign a tribble to every crew member (yeah, even Spock).

Appropriately, Jim Kirk names his tribble: Shitfaced.

For some reason, the whole premise conjured up a very alarming image in my sick brain that Would. Not. Leave. That of Cyrano Jones (for the uninitiated, see TOS "The Trouble with Tribbles") hawking his tribble-y wares in a holovid infomercial. Sincere apologies for perpetrating 23rd-century hack advertising-speak--and for this blog's first post to boot. *hangs head*



Greetings, gentlebeings!


Cyrano Jones here and have I got the solution for everyone who's feeling a little grumpy or weepy or blue. Be honest now.
Do you ever find yourself:

• Bored into a coma on an isolated Federation outpost because you lack sufficiently stimulating company?
• Suicidal because you're stuck endlessly spouting dialogue no one understands like "wessel" and "wector" and people, inexplicably, keep asking you to scream?
• Secretly enraged because a) you feel you're nothing but a glorified taxi driver who spends all his time reacting to a green screen; b) you never get ANY noogie--with either sex; c) everyone thinks you're utterly even-tempered because of the whole restrained-Asian thing so you NEVER get any good lines beyond "Engaging thrusters, Captain," which happens to make you achingly hard every single time (see item "b")?
• Stressed by your job and your colleagues and your ex and your environment and your phobias and just about everything else in this or any other known universe or timeline until you're one cranky, cursing, drawling, whiskey-guzzling, eyebrow-arching bundle of exposed nerve endings?
• Depressed because you're the butt of snide gossip going round that despite being a sexy chick, you lost your exotic, stoic, hotter-than-desert-planets-everywhere boyfriend to a mainstream-audience-friendly (thus monkey-sex-deficient) bromance plotline?
• Constantly losing your oh-so-alien cool over your boss' insane, argumentative and/or potentially universe-ending antics or maybe just because you're experiencing recurring bouts of UST due to the disturbingly suggestive manner in which he positions himself in his chair?
• Suffering from humiliating performance issues with your significant other(s) due to a tragic service-related injury caused by the ingestion of an alien creature during a torture session that was first thought up like 27 years ago, but in another universe and another time?
• Sad because you're marooned in a time and place where everyone thinks you're a weird, old, slightly creepy, inscrutable might-know-future-events type of Oracle, and no one seems to consider you the Emissary of Hotness you know you once were because everyone in your new neighborhood is shallow and self-absorbed and prejudiced and immature and a turd besides? And are you afraid that if said turds don't pony up a suitable partner when your next gimme-sex-now-or-I'm-going-batshit Time comes round, you're gonna get really pissed and let loose with your hundred-or-so years of stored-up psychic mindfuck power until people's brains go 'splodey?

FRIENDS! Do not just sit/stand/crawl/wheel/hover there saying, "Unhappiness. Is. Me." The power to rejuvenate your miserable existence exists in a soft package small enough to be held in the palm of your hand. Believe it! You can find relief for whatever ails with Your Very Own TRIBBLE(TM), The Only Love That Money Can Buy(TM)!

Don't be fooled by imitators! There's an Authentic, New and Improved, Lifetime-Guaranteed* TRIBBLE just waiting to Coo All Over You(TM) and give your I'm-such-a-loser ego a much-needed kick in the Id! You can be the envy of all your serotonin-challenged friends by ordering a TRIBBLE today!

Have your Federation Express(TM) credit chip--Don't Leave the Planet Without It(TM) ready when you order.

BONUS OFFER: If you order a TRIBBLE within the next 15 nanoseconds, we'll QUADRUPLE your order! Yes, that's right. Order one TRIBBLE and we'll send you THREE additional Authentic, Trill-Ready TRIBBLES (colors, sizes and mobility may vary) for the same Low, Low Price.**

Don't spend another instant wallowing in emotional distress. Get your little fluff of heaven without delay. Order your very own TRIBBLE now while supplies last!

*Lifetime guarantee void where prohibited by Federation or other intergalactic law.
**Additional shipping, handling, grooming and neutering fees apply. Delivery subject to Federation Standard Postal restrictions. No deliveries to Klingon Empire locations.